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Dilbert LivesA magazine recently
ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit
quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: 1. "As of
tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual
security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive
their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at
Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) 02. "What I need
is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines
Shipping) 03. "E-mail is
not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for
company business." (Accounting manager, Electric BoatCompany) 04. "This project
is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with
it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 05. "Doing it
right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." 06. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.
Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell
them." (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 07. "My boss
spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit
it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers) 08. Quote from the
Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing
executive, Citrix Corporation) 09. My sister passed
away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she
died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the
year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That
would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 10. "We know that
communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the
employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 11. We recently
received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that
a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 12. One day my Boss
asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on.
I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it
tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business
manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 13. As director of
communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training
programs and materials. In the body of the memo, in one of the sentences, I
mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training
manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was
called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president
wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she
wouldn't stand for perverts or pedophiles working in her company. Finally, he
showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word
"pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable,
and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the
definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of
it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no
words that could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in
company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I
created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation). |
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